Claimed By Grace

Dear Sir in the Mall;

I'm a Mom of a beautiful and very spirited little girl. You haven't gotten to know her but today you did see her.

Today we went to the mall- a feat I have not yet endured post surgery by myself for probably six months. Sure we have tried one or two small stores most with buggies to reign her in.

But today I thought we would conquer the world... Until my sassy three year old fell to the ground in tears having a tantrum. I tried my best to pick her up and walk out of the mall with my dignity but then dear sir; you made a joking comment to a passerby who I'm sure you didn't know about my child and dear sir, I don't think you meant any hurt but your words stung me very deeply.

Because Dear sir; you do not know the battles we have faced since the beginning of her life until now. Dear sir, you don't know the joyous victories we have won. You don't know that for three months I could barely be a mom and now we are getting out feet back...
You dear sir just saw a three year old girl on the floor screaming.

Dear sir; you didn't see the struggle I face as a mom and lend a helpful hand, you judged without knowing me or my child or the situation.

A quick joke which you probably won't remember by days end will taunt me for weeks to come saying what a bad mom I am and how I need to step up the plate, how I am a failure and my child is uncontrollable.

Dear sir; please really think next time you see a situation similar in the future or the battle that a parent is facing. Dear sir; a momentary judgement can be hurtful more then you know and leave a wound that weighs heavily on the recipient.

Dear sir; I don't know you and you don't know me.  Just please be kind and remember we all have our own battles and one word can shatter someone's heart.

Sincerely,

A Mom

A follow up post to this mornings...

Deep breath in.... Exhale...

Sometimes... Life has a funny way of changing and sometimes we need to role with the punches.

Today I was scheduled as an on call patient. There are no guarantees when it comes to this on call patient list as emergencies always happen and they forewarned me that even at the last minute I may not get the surgery done today.

If you know me you know I'm not a patient person and I also like things done my way...
So waiting for almost three years for this surgery has not been an easy task... Everytime we get close, something comes up. I got the call at 9am to come in to start my prep. I got the needles, I was in my robe... I cranked "fight song" and "roar" in the car to get me pumped up... I was READY...
So when my name was called today and I was told I would not be having the surgery due to two emergency cases I was devastated.
The nurse who came to tell me the disappointing news told me this after she saw tears welling in my eyes.. I believe everything happens for a reason and today just wasn't that day.
I could sit here all day and play the what if game.... But at the end of the day it won't solve anything. I'll still have to wait for another surgery date.

Through this journey I've been connected to some pretty awesome people...
One is a really awesome girl. She was Involved in a horrific car accident a few months back and had her life completly thrown upside down... Not an easy thing to deal with I'm sure especially having a baby boy and sweet family at home.
She has been such an encouragement in my life and if we have bad days we talk it out..its so great to know someone else is walking a similar path... And is just there for me.
Today after I went home and cried my mom reminded me of something. She told me Jess do you remember when your friend was in that really bad accident and she needed emergency surgery. Now Think of that person today that needed that surgery... They need to be there.. Wowzer Mom..  That was a wake up call and definitly put it into perspective.
So instead of being caught up in my own life drama... We stopped and prayed for those situations... Those people who NEEDED to be there and take my spot. We also thanked God for my beautiful new friend that she is healing and is doing so well today because of that needed spot.
Its hard not to be selfish in those situations... But I know my day will come and I'll be rescheduled and it will be done.

I just hold on to hope that each little thing that I'm going through along the way has a life lesson hidden inside.

Like the other day After work;  I stopped in at Walmart to pick up a curtain rod. I was standing in the 20 item or less line when I noticed this girl snickering and staring.
I've grown accustomed to people looking at my stomach as it looks like I'm pregnant on half my body. But this girl was really laughing, she then turned to her boyfriend and he looked up, looked at me and laughed. I thought maybe I had something on me.... But I looked down and I noticed the bottom of my bag sticking out a bit. They were actually making fun of me in front of my face.
I walked past them and could still hear them so I just smiled and walked past.

I paid and went to the car where I sat for a few minutes in silence...then the dam broke and I just sobbed. How dare they make fun of me...they don't know anything about me or my story or what I've been through. How can people be so mean?  Dont they know that this plastic piece on my stomach is saving me from pain? That so.many people have one and you wouldn't even know?

Friends... I'm not looking for pity or I'm not trying to get "likes" or see how many comments I can generate. I just want to ask you to be kind to others. To see someone life through their eyes and put your standard of a perfect life aside to kneel down and help someone today. It doesn't take much to give encouragement or to show love.
I encourage you to pray for those who make fun of you or who cut you off... Or those people who just get on your nerves. Something I've learned is everyone is going through their own battle... And who are we to judge that.

All in love;

Jess

As an athlete you prep for weeks before your big game so that when it comes down to the actual day your ready.
You train your body and exercise and get the needed sleep. You eat a special diet and you push your body past its regular state to accomplish big goals.
I think this is why a loss is so incredibly difficult.

I feel like I've been training for almost three years for today.  I've pushed myself to the brink...I've given up foods with seeds, strings, peels and so on and so forth. I've trained myself on my ostomy and on living a different life style. I'm ready...

So as I wait for this much anticipated call to tell me to come in to have my surgery today I can't help but be nervous.
I've been prepped on the game plays.  I've known the details of my surgery for a year. I know what my surgeon wants to do and how if its not successful two other ways we can go about getting a touchdown.

When you have to wait for  something; like truly wait for something; whether it be test results or to have a baby or to have a life altering surgery... It gives you perspective and teaches you gratitude.. It shows you that what your waiting for is important and that it is a priority. It shows others around you what you value and it gives the opportunity to allow others walking similar battles to come beside you and hold your hand and lift you up and encourage you.

I am so thankful that I've been given an AMAZING support circle and many prayer warriors.

Don't do it alone. Find someone, a friend, a family member, someone who can come beside you and be an encouragement to you. It's okay to be vulnerable... I've learned that the more I hide my journey, the lonelier I become. Ever since my first surgery in April... I have had freedom. Not everyone wants to hear or talk about personal issues...find those people who will listen. The amount of times I've heard I'm walking through something hard too is unreal when you get out of your comfort zone and just open up about your journey. I don't go into full detail with people unless they ask me questions and want to know more.

Trust that God is up to something and working it all out for your good. Sometimes it takes a LONG time... Sometimes it happens immediately... But trust in the Lord.
Proverbs 3:5 says to trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding... Sometimes what we want and think is best for our lives isn't what God has in store. He has something so much better.

Lean on his word. He tells us if we delight ourselves in the Lord... he gives us the desires of our hearts Proverbs 37:4....

And crazy enough as I'm writing this I just got my call to come in....

Its Game Time Y'all! I'll post on the other side.

So funny enough the day after I write a post about being more intentional with my life... Two things happened that made me step back and say to myself... Why am I rushing through this and why did this make me so upset?

The first was an innocent mistake... A few days ago I wrote on a chalkboard sign for my kitchen ... BE INTENTIONAL... Its a daily reminder to take the time and enjoy life and do things with intent... I was rushing to write this sign before I went out and in my rush I forgot the "T." How ironic was it that I spelt the very word wrong that I was trying to live out.

If you know me, you know I run late... Alot! I really don't do it on purpose... I try really hard to not be late but sometimes it happens..
So this is an area I am working intentionally on to make sure I am on either on time or early to an event or a get together.

Anyways, today I went out with my coworkers tubing but first I packed up Zo and had to drop her off to my Moms house. But I couldn't find my keys anywhere. I knew I had locked the car when I came home. I knew I had put them on the black table in my front entry but they weren't there when I went to grab them... I searched EVERYWHERE! I was supposed to spend time with my mom before I left because we hadn't seen each other and wanted to chat and catch up! I ripped apart my newly cleaned house looking for these keys... Finally In the basket of Zoeys grocery cart hidden under a mound of toys there they sat. I got so upset with her. I scolded her for touching them and hiding them.

I drove to my moms and looked in the mirror to see a hurt little girl. I pulled into my parents drive way and just hugged her and apologized for getting upset. She was pretending to be mommy. She didnt know that I was in a rush and needed to leave then to make it on time.

So my lesson for myself today is although our intention might be there to make ourselves better. It's not going to change magically over night. Change takes time and action and doing something well you have to practice. Now I know that I have to put up the keys if I don't want my two year old to play with them.

Don't take life so seriously... My mom and friends forgave me for being late...and next time I'll try harder!

For the past few years I've felt caught up in a chaotic circle that doesn't end... Meeting after meeting, job expectations that don't bring joy, not truly enjoying my family time, running from one end of the city to the other fitting people in last minute...but never feeling contentment from true connection. Ever feel like that?

This life can be lonely... I have found I isolated myself from real friendships... And sad to actually write this,  I had isolated myself from my own family... Being there but not truly being present.

I acquired stuff to make me happy... One more wall piece would fill my heart. One more item of clothing would make me feel better...  But what I desired most of all was acceptance and some how through trying too hard.. I wasn't gaining anyone's acceptance... I was pushing those who loved me away.

I realized this one night when I had started my day at 6:30 running my husband to work then I spent the next few hours running around trying to get Zo to her babysitters and groceries done and then to my job which I didn't fully love... I then would pick up Zo (usually late, again trying to please) and then rush across town to home to get supper on and then wait in a parking lot sometimes till 9 to get my hubby from work... This was day after day for a year. We never saw each other, never had fulfilment in the jobs we were in and were constantly on the go.

We needed a change. Our first real change came when we decided to move back to the city where we had met.

With this change our first priority was putting our lives back on track to where God wanted us. We got involved in church again and reading our bible's again. We seeked his will for our lives.
Secondly; We started to declutter our life..One object at a time..But not just physical stuff. We let go of baggage that we didn't need... And we gained back precious time together.

Third; We made family time a priority... Our focus became what could we do to make our family life whole. I took a night contract so I was available with Zoey during the day(unfortunately no sleep + active two year old don't mix) but now am in a perfect contract that I can have more time with Zoey and still make a difference at work.

I can truly say I love what I do now. I work with people with developmental  disabilities in an independent living setting. I thrive at my job and have been involved in some pretty cool experiences through it.(and the pay/benefits are amazing... 100% of my ostomy supplies are covered) I work every other weekend but those 2 12 hour shifts give me the time to be home with Zo during the weeks.

A friend of mine told me about the Konmari method... It's a book you can buy... I got a basic low down of it and it is keep items in your house that spark joy... So that is our next step. Making our home our own by keeping what we truly like and need not keeping items out of necessity(like having 10 spatulas, or 100 towels) or keeping things out of guilt (gifts that you wont use, broken items etc)
So far my living room has gotten a major overhaul. It looks like my home now and I want to spend time in it.

The next two areas we are working on are:
Our health and being intentional with friendships.
Our health means we are focusing on living a healthier life style, less junk! And more moving.

And friendships;
We have had friendships that weigh us down, where we have to do the work 100% of the time. Where you leave a get together feeling like the dirt of the earth We are focusing our attention to those who bring us up, who inspire us and those who want to make an effort.

(Check out my next blog about intentional friendships and our health journey in the weeks to come)

I write all of this to say; I want to start enjoying my daily life... Actually being in the moment and getting rid of the stuff that drags me down.

How about you? What things "spark joy" in your life? Are you going day to day without actually being in the moment?

Live your life in such a way that when people see you they see joy without you having to say a word. Love your family and those closest to you and be thankful for what God has given you everyday.

Well I am heading home from the hospital today. I have been doing very well here. They say the most important thing after bowel surgery is to get up and walk to gain your strength back and I guess I've been bored because I've been walking non stop.
I am learning a lot about myself and my new lady friend princess peachy poo who will be with me for The next 6-8 months.

I've learned that I have this strength within me to push myself further then I think I can. My first day was awful. I could barely make it out of bed.. But its important to get out of bed so you don't get blood clots and the more you move the more your body heals. The nurses have told me I have a fantastic attitude towards everything.
I admit.... Pooping into a bag sucks but it certainly beats the alternative. I did a lot of research between YouTube videos and online forums before surgery, I discovered so many people have ostomy bags and usually they are life time! I attribute my being able to handle measuring my poop and counting intake vs. Outtake to working at Christian horizons. I love my job and I've dealt with a lot of poop during my 6 years there. It doesn't bother me at all so getting used to that aspect isn't hard.

I've learned that its okay not to always be in control and to manage everything. I can rely on my husband and my family to take care of things when I can't. Zoey has been sick all week and I have felt so useless being here in the hospital. Even when I go home I'll have to put myself first and her second for a while but in the long run knowing its all for her.

I've learned that the hospital staff is unbelievably caring and wants the ultimate best for you. My day nurse Angela has been amazing. She has comforted me when I've been emotional and was easy to joke around with.

My room mate has kept me in stitches all week with some crazy bed head and a great personality!

This is just the beginning for me... I've been learning so much already... Like princess peachy poo likes to make the most embarrassing sounds especially when people are around.
I've learned that you can be going through the roughest time but to trust in God and everything will work out... Not necessarily the way we think but the way God sees fit and just because we can't see what's happening down the road or around the corner if we trust in his plan for our life we will overcome.

Please also keep my friend Carmen in prayer. Carmen is an amazing friend who has recently gone through a huge life change is is currently in the hospital in Ottawa. Please donate if you feel led to do so. Her story is so compelling and her family faces many challenges in the future.  See her story here...

This is the fundraising campaign for Support Carmen Hartgerink!: http://de.gofund.me/cpur1w

Anyways that's it for now... I have so much more to learn and I'm growing stronger.... I'm bustin out of here

Jess