Growing up I felt fairly secure in my family. I had three younger brothers and although we were all different ages we got a long pretty well. We were always outside playing and getting messy!  
I felt my parents loved each other and loved us and the world was rosey and nothing could break that bond.

Fast forward several years and several moves... At the age of 15 I was away at a camp as a Councillor for the summer when it happened...my parents divorced. 
I didn't want to come home as camp was a place where for a minute I could pretend that the pain and agony that was happening at home didn't exist.
The people at my camp surrounded me with their love and support and to this day I am forever grateful for the impact they had on my life...  but the summer had to end and school looms in September so I had to go home and face reality... 

But first, I couldn't actually go home to what I knew... we moved from a few different places with different families from our church until finally my mom was placed into a small home through the local housing program.

Going home was different, going to school was different, going to church was different. Seeing my friends was different... Back in reality, no one knew how to approach me...
I was the broken kid from a broken home.

I felt my identity slipping away.. who am I if my parents no longer loved each other... they brought me into this world out of love and now they hate each other. I was so mixed up and confused about who I really was.  I started questioning why God put me on this earth. Why would he put me through such pain.  If I just went away would anyone really care... I considered suicide several times but the thought of my brothers pain kept me from acting on it.  I was in a really low place, I pushed away friendships and relationships. I distanced myself from my parents and brothers and isolated myself. 

Then the light shined through.....

At the end of grade eleven, I went on a trip to Honduras with my church. 
There, giving the love to the babies at an orphanage, making bracelets and playing soccer with young girls who were in jail and feeding those hungry tummies at a feeding center, my identity started to show through. 
God had made me to serve. My heart was mending through each ladle, through each hug to a broken child, through each act of kindness. I returned home with a promise... "he has a plan for your life..."
I came home changed and ready to take on the world... 

I enrolled in bible college and went down to Rhode Island to pursue a degree in biblical studies. 
I had dreams of opening centers for woman so they could pursue their dreams, stay off the streets, get an education. Break the cycle of prostitution and feeling like they had to sell their bodies.
I traveled to New Hope Church In Albany, NY several times where they had these programs established. I got to live and breath what the centers actually were and what I needed to do to make these "Dreams" become a reality. 

I kind of lost my dream along the way, but God has a funny way of bringing it back around. 
Recently I moved back to the same city where the divorce happened. 
Moving home kind of brought the feelings of rejection, of who Am I Really up again...

But hear this...
"You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good." -Genesis 50:20

My Identity is not lost. I am a daughter of the most high God. He says I am his and he has HUGE plans for my Life. I will not let the enemy have a foothold in my life. It will come up over and over again with every new situation in my life. I am not a broken person... my God has put the puzzle of my life back together and he holds me in his Hands... I can have a past... but I am not defined by it. I will not let excuses or circumstances change who he says I am. 
Someone needs to hear this today.... God Has A Plan For Your Life... (Jeremiah 29:11)
He has given you dreams and wants you to pursue these.
Just because a dream doesn't come together in your timing doesn't mean it won't happen... it means its not time yet. I have been waiting 10 years for my dream to become a reality... and little by little,piece by piece its being orchestrated. 

Don't be afraid to dream big dreams... We Serve a Big God! 





Well I am heading home from the hospital today. I have been doing very well here. They say the most important thing after bowel surgery is to get up and walk to gain your strength back and I guess I've been bored because I've been walking non stop.
I am learning a lot about myself and my new lady friend princess peachy poo who will be with me for The next 6-8 months.

I've learned that I have this strength within me to push myself further then I think I can. My first day was awful. I could barely make it out of bed.. But its important to get out of bed so you don't get blood clots and the more you move the more your body heals. The nurses have told me I have a fantastic attitude towards everything.
I admit.... Pooping into a bag sucks but it certainly beats the alternative. I did a lot of research between YouTube videos and online forums before surgery, I discovered so many people have ostomy bags and usually they are life time! I attribute my being able to handle measuring my poop and counting intake vs. Outtake to working at Christian horizons. I love my job and I've dealt with a lot of poop during my 6 years there. It doesn't bother me at all so getting used to that aspect isn't hard.

I've learned that its okay not to always be in control and to manage everything. I can rely on my husband and my family to take care of things when I can't. Zoey has been sick all week and I have felt so useless being here in the hospital. Even when I go home I'll have to put myself first and her second for a while but in the long run knowing its all for her.

I've learned that the hospital staff is unbelievably caring and wants the ultimate best for you. My day nurse Angela has been amazing. She has comforted me when I've been emotional and was easy to joke around with.

My room mate has kept me in stitches all week with some crazy bed head and a great personality!

This is just the beginning for me... I've been learning so much already... Like princess peachy poo likes to make the most embarrassing sounds especially when people are around.
I've learned that you can be going through the roughest time but to trust in God and everything will work out... Not necessarily the way we think but the way God sees fit and just because we can't see what's happening down the road or around the corner if we trust in his plan for our life we will overcome.

Please also keep my friend Carmen in prayer. Carmen is an amazing friend who has recently gone through a huge life change is is currently in the hospital in Ottawa. Please donate if you feel led to do so. Her story is so compelling and her family faces many challenges in the future.  See her story here...

This is the fundraising campaign for Support Carmen Hartgerink!: http://de.gofund.me/cpur1w

Anyways that's it for now... I have so much more to learn and I'm growing stronger.... I'm bustin out of here

Jess

I had an extremely great pregnancy with Zoey. I had no complications and even had a fantastic delivery... A bit fast and I pushed way to hard but I had a beautiful little girl and that's all I cares about.

I first felt something wasn't quite right at the hospital maybe a day after delivery.

I was checked and sent home with no complications.

*GRAPHIC CONTENT*

Fast forward six months. I started experiencing pain in my lower abdomen and started noticing fecal matter in my urine. At first it was a little bit but it increased.

I went to my doctor and she told me I had a rectal-vaginal fistula. Which is basically when I pushed for Zoey I pushed too hard and in my muscles formed a small hole. Its actually pretty common with women giving birth so my doctor told me it wouldn't take much to fix.

Fast forward two years.... After seeing 6 doctors in Ottawa each telling me that it was out side of their scope and being in the worst pain of my life I moved to Sudbury and within a month I had a surgeon who is amazing and had a MRI and CT scan booked.

Fast forward to yesterday. I have to have three surgeries... The first is this one to get my ostomy bag. Its name is princess peachy poo.

The second will be in three months to repair the actual issues and the third will be to remove the ostomy.

Its been a really long lonely painful journey.
Not many people have known about my journey because it is embarrassing and gross and to put yourself on display is hard.

But I'm learning something huge... First it's not my fault or zoeys fault... Its apart of life and yes it sucks I have learned how to deal with it.

Second...the more I talk about it the more freeing it becomes. And yes people are going to judge and have their opinions...but I don't care.

This is my journey to get healthy and have another baby part of it is my emotional healing.

I serve an amazing God who heals and provides and protects.
My future is in his hands. 💓

Xoxo

Jess

My daughter has been sick since last Monday. She has thrown up, had diarrhea and has a double ear infection. She had a small seizure and is finally on antibiotics...

I have been pretty much housebound all week which I hate.
My mother in law calls me her gallivanter because I can't sit at home all day... It makes me crazy so not being  allowed to bring zoey to my moms who runs daycare has been a challenge because we usually spend two or three days there a week.

But today as my daughter naps and I relax for a minute before she's up again destroying my house I realized something...

She needs me... And I need her.
She relied on me all week to supply her with her medication, taking her temperature and making her food without milk products... She doesn't need the chaotic run around life I have some how made apart of our daily routine. She needs me here at home in her environment to care for her to play with her and to just be here with her.

Its okay that my house Is messy...that I did the dishes for an hour and I probably have another hour to do. It doesn't matter that goldfish crackers lay littered across my floor. My daughter who I love trusts me and needs me.

And I also realized another thing... By being home and not rushing around all week I have had time to reflect on my time I've been a mom for the past two years and I can honestly say I've done the best job for my little girl because God gave this beautiful little lady to me and its my job to protect her and bring her up right.

It only took a week but this week has been so worth it. 

I've trusted God more for his blessings. I've truly been grateful for my daughter not being more sick..

Thank you Lord for giving me Zoey. Thank you for allowing me to just have to be grounded so I could take this time to appreciate her more and take the time with you.
Please help me to keep this as an ongoing life change So that instead of living a rushed life where I can't hear you speak I slow down and take that time with you.

Thank you Lord.

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