Identity Crisis

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Growing up I felt fairly secure in my family. I had three younger brothers and although we were all different ages we got a long pretty well. We were always outside playing and getting messy!  
I felt my parents loved each other and loved us and the world was rosey and nothing could break that bond.

Fast forward several years and several moves... At the age of 15 I was away at a camp as a Councillor for the summer when it happened...my parents divorced. 
I didn't want to come home as camp was a place where for a minute I could pretend that the pain and agony that was happening at home didn't exist.
The people at my camp surrounded me with their love and support and to this day I am forever grateful for the impact they had on my life...  but the summer had to end and school looms in September so I had to go home and face reality... 

But first, I couldn't actually go home to what I knew... we moved from a few different places with different families from our church until finally my mom was placed into a small home through the local housing program.

Going home was different, going to school was different, going to church was different. Seeing my friends was different... Back in reality, no one knew how to approach me...
I was the broken kid from a broken home.

I felt my identity slipping away.. who am I if my parents no longer loved each other... they brought me into this world out of love and now they hate each other. I was so mixed up and confused about who I really was.  I started questioning why God put me on this earth. Why would he put me through such pain.  If I just went away would anyone really care... I considered suicide several times but the thought of my brothers pain kept me from acting on it.  I was in a really low place, I pushed away friendships and relationships. I distanced myself from my parents and brothers and isolated myself. 

Then the light shined through.....

At the end of grade eleven, I went on a trip to Honduras with my church. 
There, giving the love to the babies at an orphanage, making bracelets and playing soccer with young girls who were in jail and feeding those hungry tummies at a feeding center, my identity started to show through. 
God had made me to serve. My heart was mending through each ladle, through each hug to a broken child, through each act of kindness. I returned home with a promise... "he has a plan for your life..."
I came home changed and ready to take on the world... 

I enrolled in bible college and went down to Rhode Island to pursue a degree in biblical studies. 
I had dreams of opening centers for woman so they could pursue their dreams, stay off the streets, get an education. Break the cycle of prostitution and feeling like they had to sell their bodies.
I traveled to New Hope Church In Albany, NY several times where they had these programs established. I got to live and breath what the centers actually were and what I needed to do to make these "Dreams" become a reality. 

I kind of lost my dream along the way, but God has a funny way of bringing it back around. 
Recently I moved back to the same city where the divorce happened. 
Moving home kind of brought the feelings of rejection, of who Am I Really up again...

But hear this...
"You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good." -Genesis 50:20

My Identity is not lost. I am a daughter of the most high God. He says I am his and he has HUGE plans for my Life. I will not let the enemy have a foothold in my life. It will come up over and over again with every new situation in my life. I am not a broken person... my God has put the puzzle of my life back together and he holds me in his Hands... I can have a past... but I am not defined by it. I will not let excuses or circumstances change who he says I am. 
Someone needs to hear this today.... God Has A Plan For Your Life... (Jeremiah 29:11)
He has given you dreams and wants you to pursue these.
Just because a dream doesn't come together in your timing doesn't mean it won't happen... it means its not time yet. I have been waiting 10 years for my dream to become a reality... and little by little,piece by piece its being orchestrated. 

Don't be afraid to dream big dreams... We Serve a Big God! 







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